Date Night

What do you think about going on a blind date with your mom and the matchmakers in tow?

Awkward?

Yeah you bet.

Last night was a first for me. It was actually kinda funny if it wasn't darn uncomfortable. Being match-made and meeting the person for the first time is one thing; being match-made to someone that I would have never dreamed of ever viewing as a potential date is another.

What would a guy who has everything going on with royalty decorations from two states would wanna do with a simple gal like me??

Felt so awkward and tongue-tied that I ended up being quiet throughout the whole dinner. Thank the stars for mom, she sure has the knack to cover embarrassing situations.

A glance or two, and maybe a line or two of polite conversation. That's it. Nothing more.

No matter if the matchmakers feel that we could hit it off, wouldn't put too high hopes on the outcome. Could feel it in my bones; it's just not meant to be.

Sigh, poor mommy. She'll be disappointed...

A Melancholic Pre-Eid Moment

Still here. Still trying to tie up lose ends. Still in the process of packing up 6 years worth of memories before heading home for good.

Ramadhan is almost over now. The closer it is to Eid, the more I'm dreading it. Seriously. No mood at all to celebrate Eid this year. Maybe it's the weather; maybe I'm too busy trying to translate and study for the license exam and prepare for the thesis presentation; or maybe I'm just sick and tired of this place and had enough. I'm spiraling downwards and feel like there's no end to the abyss. No matter how hard I try to stay positive and upbeat, there's always, ALWAYS one thing after another that would pull me in the opposite direction. Surrounded by whiny people ain't helping either. I mean, yeah okay, we all have problems. But if you focus on the problem then you will see a problem. Instead, isn't it better to focus on what could be done to solve the problem and move on instead of complaining and complaining and complaining non-stop until your ears bleed to death listening to them repeatedly?? Urghhhhh, such a bad bad energy this place has, thank God I'm leaving soon.

I miss my adult friends; I miss having conversations that make sense; I miss the company that I'm comfortable with. No matter how hard I try to make it right, in the end the only thing that they see are the things that I did wrong. One misplaced word or sentence, one email in formal English (maybe they are not used to an email that does not use any sms lingo or maybe big words confuse them) that was kindly meant but was misinterpreted; was enough to elicit an outcry from orang-orang yang termakan cili & terasa pedasnya. I have tried to be amicable and fair and tried to do something good for all of us but it backfired. I give up. I'm done. Lantak lah korang lepas ni, apa nak jadik aku dah tak kisah. Biarkan si Luncai terjun dengan labu-labunya, malas dah nak layan...

And plus, had a recent conversation with mom that went like this...

Me: Tahun ni banyak ke buat kuih raya?
Mak: Alah, kuih tunjuk2 je. Takde masa nak buat la. Ada dekat 20++ jenis rasanya, cukuplah tu..
Me: Hah banyaknya! Nape tak pos kat sini sikit? *dgn nada gurau*
Mak: Eh, ha ah ek, LUPA pulak anak mak sorang tu raya kat sana tahun ni! Memang TAK TERINGAT LANGSUNG lah yang. Sori..
Me: *aduih, sampai hati..*


Yeah, I know I am forgettable, haha...

The Psychic Connection

Have you ever had someone calling you just when you were thinking about that person? Or people coming to see you because they suddenly felt like it when at the same time you just thought that you wanted to see them too?

How about the bad vibes; the ones where your whole being just tingles and you know deep inside that something is just gonna go wrong or something has gone wrong?

I don't know what all these feelings are and I can't really explain them, but I've been having them almost all my life. Some of the time I just disregard them because they made no sense at all, but most of the time they are right on. Confused? Yeah well I am too...

Just recently had an unexpected call from a long lost friend. Lately I've been wondering about how that person was doing and if there are any new developments in his life when BOOM! Suddenly today I got a call from him out of nowhere... And this had happened to me more times than I could remember. Not with the same person, but with other friends and family too.

But the one thing that I never want to experience again was when my father passed away. I don't know how or why, but the truth is deep in my heart I knew exactly when it happened. The dread and heaviness and emptiness inside me just got worse and the bad feeling just would not go away that up to a point I even told my friend that I knew something bad had happened and I think he's dead. Spooky? Heck yeah. There was also this one time when I was very young, my grand-aunt told me how I couldn't stop crying like as if I was spooked (macam kena sampuk she said) and at that same moment my mom was actually involved in a car accident somewhere else. Crazy huh..

And don't get me started on my dreams. As weird as they are, some actually did come true. And deja-vu? Well, it's getting worse nowadays because they are getting more and more frequent.

Is this normal? I'm sure a lot of people experienced these before. It's not a biggie, right??

I don't know, maybe these are all just coincidences. Maybe my connection with people close to me are strong. Maybe. Or maybe, I am slowly and gradually losing control of reality and losing my mind...

But don't worry, no need to get me into the straight jacket yet. I am still sane. I think. At least for now.

Home is where the heart is

Since I've been home, this is the only time that I actually have time to surf the net leisurely; before this it always in a rush and on the go. Yeah, that busy I was, but no complaints though, I am treasuring every second of my time here. A lotta lotta things have happened, and they all happened so suddenly time flew so fast that I didn't realise that I'm almost home for 2++ weeks now.

What I've been up to? Well, the usual; attending trainings, weddings, family gatherings, outings with old friends, meeting and making new friends, chauffeur-ing, nanny-ing, etc etc... my time hasn't been my own since I've been back. And I am predicting after this things are gonna be more hectic and crazier.

On top of that, I am falling sick! The worn out body and humid hot dusty weather combo is disasterous I tell ya. My cough has been getting worse and I've lost my voice courtesy of severe chesty hacking night and day. Plus runny nose plus slight fever. Am currently medicating myself and hoping that it'll all go away soon.... Sigh, what I wouldn't give for a couple of days of rest doing absolutely anything..... :(

There are still a couple of things that I wanted to do that i haven't got around to doing. See lah how it goes, hopefully I'll have time before I leave.

Oh did I mention that my beloved cousin got married? Yeah, the cousin whom I am really close to since we were small is now somebody's wife, finally. i am really really happy for her, seeing her happy makes me happy too. I think the wedding deserves its own post, so I better save all the juicy details for next time ok.

Last week there was also another surprising news from a beloved friend. It was really unexpected, but seeing her happy and glowing makes me happy too. And I am still waiting for some news from a faraway friend, but I sincerely hope that it'll be a good one. All of these ladies are very dear to me, and they deserve the best that life has to offer in terms of love and it's enough that I share their joy and wish them all the happiness in the world.

As for me, even though I've been getting quite a lotta inquiries about my bachelorhood these past few days, it didn't bother me as much as I would have expected. Maybe I'm already immune to it although I've run out of plausible excuses, or maybe I've come to a point in my life where I just done care anymore about whether or not marriage will be in my future. For now I have one thing and one thing only to focus on; finish up my studies, sit for the entrance exam, practice my skills, specialize and stand on my two feet up to a level that I could support my family if it's warranted. Ultimately that's what I want, and that's what i am going to focus on. No point sitting around moping about the state of bachelorhood, it is better to channel all the energy towards something more productive, yes?

Oh, and if before this I get irritated when others try to be matchmakers, nowadays I am merely amused when my mom or aunts or mom's friends try their luck. Sukahati lah belalang, asalkan diorang bahagia... ;p

NB: Tempting nya bila tgk Deghoyan, Sape nak belanja makan sushi ni???

You know you're already past your expiry date...

- when all your friends your age that you've recently met up in FB again after many years are married with at least 2 kids in school

- when the first question that they will ask you after 10 years is "Are you married?" instead of "How are you?"

- when you get together with your school friends and all they talk about is babies

- when you found yourself surrounded by guys way younger than you and see you only as an older sister, and most of them are already in a stable relationship

- when your friends try their level best to hook you up with their single guy friends (who are still way younger than you by the way)

- when your family tries to find for you a 'maplei'

- when married ladies start to give you the 'evil eye' even though all you did was having a decent conversation with their husbands (because you're a 'threat' it seems)

- when the once biological clock that had been ticking so loudly has now suddenly fall silent

- when concerned relatives stop asking you the "When is it gonna be your turn, my dear?" question at family gatherings (because they know that you're a hopeless case)

- when your most favourite sentence is either: "If it's meant to be then it's meant to be, if it's not, then what to do...", or, "I gave up already lah. Malas wanna think about it anymore..."


If you answer "Yes" to any of the questions above, then it is my utmost pleasure to inform you that you have definitely gone way past the expiration date and it is only time before you're being removed from the shelf permanently. Better be ready for the inevitable, folks.


**Pardon my cuckoo-ness. I think I'm just worn out. Better go lie down now. Tootles**

Salam Takziah

Just got the news from my mom about the passing of my SIL's father in Kedah.

Semoga roh-nya dicucuri rahmat dan ditempatkan bersama orang-orang yag beriman. Amin...

AL-FATIHAH

n/b: Life is short. Treasure every moment. Every second counts. Don't waste time on thinking about what might have been, but think about what it will be instead...

Filtering my system away

Just got the results for Nephrology exam, and I am sooo glad that I passed. Having our seniors telling us that this is one of the hardest paper to pass, you can understand why my nerves were rattled with anxiety, sleepless nights and also bouts of diarrhea prior to the big day!

But then, it wasn't so bad after all. The exam I mean. If you go to all the classes and rounds and studied throughout the session passing won't be a problem. Heck, scoring an A won't be a problem either (and I am a proof of that miracle!)... Anyways, I'm just really relieved that it's over and now could start focusing for other subjects. Adoooiiiii.....

Going through the nephrology cycle wasn't easy for me personally. I have had to battle my own demons and sad memories whenever I set foot in the wards/dialysis units. Being there brought back memories of how it was for me when my late father had to be admitted for renal failure and I was practically living in the hospital too at the time. He was on hemodialysis but due to a lot of complications (post-dialysis hypotension was the major problem), he chose to continue his renal replacement therapy with a CAPD (continous ambulatory peritoneal dialysis). And although the CAPD was working, his heart gave out in the end.

Looking back I wonder how I did it and where did I had the strength to go through all that because now I can't imagine going through all that again. Maybe it's the power of love that was keeping me afloat and sane those days; when it's for someone that you love nothing is impossible. The only thing that I regretted until this day is if only I have had the courage to give him one of my kidneys maybe he would have a better chance of survival. Until now the what ifs plagues my mind, and how I wish I could have done it differently.

If only...

Of Marriages And Children

When a guy and a girl meets, when there's chemistry and attraction, then they would go out as a couple for a while until they'd be asked this inevitable question... "So, when are you guys getting married?"

And then when they have finally decided to jump on the marriage band wagon and thought that they are safe, the next question that would most often be asked is... "So, when are you guys gonna have children?"

Has that always been the way it is? The questions, I mean... When you're single people would be wondering when you're going to tie the knot, and when you're already married people would be wondering when you are going to have children. Yes, it is the norm to have children after you're married, but then there are couples who have decided to totally forgo the idea of having any children. The reasons? Maybe due to their careers, or maybe they just simply are not ready for it financially and emotionally. Whom are we to judge them? It's their lives, and they are the ones who should know better on how to dictate and lead their lives as they see fit.

Be as it might, I am always at loss for words whenever I encounter these so called 'concerned' individuals that are so thoughtless and insensitive by asking those questions. Especially when the couple had been trying to conceive but to no avail, and the 'kind' inquiries about children are just painful to bear. Plus being in our community, if you're still childless even after years of marriage somehow or rather the blame would be put on the wives... "Oh, she's infertile, she can't have babies...", although most often than not the husbands are also partly to be blamed. And by putting the blame on the wives inadvertently this gives the husbands a chance to marry again so that his lineage will be preserved. Hmmmm....masa ni lah baru nak pegang fatwa kitab, tapi tang bab lain hampeh. Typical, typical...

Take a friend of mine, for example. She has been married for almost 5 years now, but as yet no children of their own though not for want of trying. Life has been unbearable due to the fact that her in-laws had actually blamed her for not being able to conceive, although there is substantial proof that there is nothing wrong with her at all. So, in this case the husband should also make an effort to go and check if the problem lies with him, right? Well, being the typical M man with their male egos he refused to be checked at all and wouldn't mind that his wife bears the blame and accusations laid upon her for their childless state. I really do not envy her, and if I were in her shoes I think I would be counting the days till my sanity would leave me. But then again, I guess that is what happens when one is afraid not to be married at a certain age and in the end rushes into a marriage with a guy that one barely knows and, might I add, could barely tolerate. Just to conform to society, just so that other people would not look down at her and took pity of her wallflower status.

Such is life. Sometimes I do ponder upon its intricacies. About those who yearns to have children but not being able to, those who didn't plan to have anymore children but ended up being pregnant anyways due to a lapse in their OCP regime or faulty IUDs, and those whom are blessed with healthy perfect children but fails to give proper care and abuses their children, or worse, flushing their unwanted babies/foetuses down the toilet. Oh gosh, the last scenario really gives me the chills. And for the life of me I can't understand how people can just ignore the well-being of their children.

Children, are God's gift to oneself. They are a part of you, they carry your genes and they are your descendants. They are fragile and pure when they were first brought into this world, and it is our responsibility as adults to shape them into thoughtful, strong, kind, confident, humble human beings. Lead by example, and they would be your greatest achievement...

And for those who have nothing else better to do than stick their noses in other people's affairs, here's a kind advice: GET A LIFE.

Eid Mubarak

After one month of fasting in the holy month of Ramadhan now comes the most awaited celebration (well, at least for us malaysians ). Eid. For 4 years now I haven't had the chance to celebrate eid with my family and friends back home due to study commitments. One would say eid is eid, no matter where you and whom you spend it with, but as most of my countrymen would tell you the eid celebration back home is, in another word, "havoc lah"...

The day would start with getting up, cleaned and dressed with our newly bought clothes, going to the mosque for the eid prayers and then back home for some heavy-duty breakfast feast. Well, I don't know about the others, but when my family gets together we'll just eat and eat and eat. One can be sure that there'll be no shortage of food supply at my grandparents' place when we congregate there, be it eid or almost every weekend.

And after (or sometimes before) that, the most important part of the day starts. It's the part where we will all sit around and go to each person to ask for forgiveness for all of our wrongdoings from each other. The sequence would be starting from the oldest son/daughter right up to the youngest. Oh, and another important thing to note, our traditional clothes MUST have pockets with ample space. And for the girls, handbags, preferably . Why? Because while we're going around shaking hands and hugging our beloved we'll also receive small, flat packets filled with some money. Yup, I think for me personally this part is the part that most of the small kids will get excited about. Well, actually, not only the younger ones, even the older ones are in for it too. Who wouldn't? Extra pocket money for us? Hello.... But there's a downside to it though. Not like the chinese where you will have to give angpows only if you're married (am I right here?), for the malays the ones who are already in the workforce (i.e.earning an income) will have to set aside a small sum of their salary just to give out these "duit raya" to the younger and non-working/studying ones. Hehehe, like what my cousin said to me that day, "Alah, koyak lah poket camni kalau keluarga kita bertambah besar..." Well my dear, don't worry. In 3 years time I'll be contributing too, insyaallah. Hey, you know what, maybe we can pool our money and combine it to give to them. Whaddya think?

And after all the "I'm sorry for everything" session which would sometimes, or most of the time for my grandmother at least , be accompanied with the release of the tear flood gates (banjir, lah...), the guests would start coming to the house. You see, during the month of Syawal for us it's the time where we would visit our relatives, be it near or far "untuk mengeratkan tali silaturrahim". Sometimes it's the only chance for us to meet with our distant relatives and get to know them. And more food and hogging. Honestly, by the time we're done visiting for the day we would be so full that our clothes would start to feel a l'il bit tight in certain places . But being here during eid I do miss the traditional cakes and biscuits back home that are normally only available during eid. Best nya makan kuih raya.....

Oh well, all in all, that's the Eid celebration at home. And not forgetting also, we Malaysians celebrate Syawal for one whole month. So do expect to be invited to open houses hosted by family and friends, and that explains also why one needs more than 2 pairs of new clothes (for some people anyways) as they would get more invitations to these functions compared to others. But actually, how many is enough? Personally I've stopped buying new ones for me as I'm using my current ones over here. Nobody would know any differently, right? Ooppsss...shouldn't have let the cat out of the bag, now everyone would know. Silly me .....

EID MUBARAK !!

Father's Day

This is something that I posted in my other journals to commemorate this special day. Thought I'd put it up here too...

Fathers play an important role in a person's upbringing. To some extent, they have a major influence on their children's lives. To receive a father's love is a blessing, because it is UNCONDITIONAL. No matter who you are, what you do or what you've become, they will always love just as you are. They are not perfect, mind you they are after all only humans, but for some fortunate souls they are perfect fathers. I wish that everyone would get the chance to experience that unconditional love, because it really changes you and makes you a better person.

"Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud. It is not rude. It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preseveres. Love never fails..."

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

Post-Wedding Ramblings

Weddings are supposed to be about the people that you love, your family and friends, coming together to celebrate your special day. And with that also comes the chaos, tension, busy-ness, and drama that seemed to be attached to a wedding preparation. But amidst all these chaotic, nail-biting, hair-rising, mind-numbing craziness, at the end of the day you could still feel the love and care that are shown to you by the people that matters to you and made your special day a success.


Well, that just about describes my sister's wedding. In the end it all turned out well, alhamdulillah. More than just well, actually. It was a beautiful day, filled with love and happiness and some funny moments too. I hope it will be a day that the newly weds will cherish forever...


Weddings as some of you may know are stressfull. Honestly. The wedding preparations alone can give you stomach ulcers. And being born a Malay doesn't help either. Don't get me wrong, I am proud to be a Malay, rich in culture and traditions, but sometimes they can be a tad overwhelming especially when it comes to weddings or to be precise the process of getting married. There are also those authoritive, "I have eaten salt earlier than you..." elders that you feel are a bit intrusive and that you just can't say no to but deep inside you know that they do mean well. But no matter what, I am glad that they are there to give advice and wisdom to us, the young and inexperienced lot, to be passed on to the next generation. Without them we ceased to exist. Since we were small we were taught to respect the elders and to honour our culture and tradition as long as it doesn't go against the religion. And basically that was what I kept reminding myself of whenever I felt that I was going bonkers. Just a couple of deep breaths, some time out and then I am good to go. Lucky thing I didn't develop a post-wedding over-inflated lung syndrome, heheh...


And on top of that, I also had to deal with the one question that seems to pop up whenever we have any family gatherings or functions, especially weddings. Yup, it's the famous "So, when is it going to be your turn, my dear?"... Seriously, nothing else to ask is it? Hmm... Funny thing is, it always comes after the how are you greetings, and then BOOM!! Honestly, by the end of the day I really sounded like a broken record machine/cassette player/scratched cd when it comes to answering that particular question. Guess I should have taken a friend's advice to record a standard answer and just play it back whenever anyone asks me that question. Silly me...


Anyways, to my dear sister, Congratulations! I am really happy for you and glad that you have found someone that you are willing to spend the rest of your life with. For all my siblings, I wish you all a happy and blessed life with your families. Treasure your loved ones and live your life to the fullest. This also goes out to my friends and to all of you out there. You only have one shot at living and make sure that it is worth your while. And to you guys whom are tying the knot soon, Congratulations and Best of Luck!