Affair of the Day

Found this out of boredom and I just couldn't resist posting it here...

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One cent?" the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel??" exclaimed the man.

"Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down
here."

:))

You know you're already past your expiry date...

- when all your friends your age that you've recently met up in FB again after many years are married with at least 2 kids in school

- when the first question that they will ask you after 10 years is "Are you married?" instead of "How are you?"

- when you get together with your school friends and all they talk about is babies

- when you found yourself surrounded by guys way younger than you and see you only as an older sister, and most of them are already in a stable relationship

- when your friends try their level best to hook you up with their single guy friends (who are still way younger than you by the way)

- when your family tries to find for you a 'maplei'

- when married ladies start to give you the 'evil eye' even though all you did was having a decent conversation with their husbands (because you're a 'threat' it seems)

- when the once biological clock that had been ticking so loudly has now suddenly fall silent

- when concerned relatives stop asking you the "When is it gonna be your turn, my dear?" question at family gatherings (because they know that you're a hopeless case)

- when your most favourite sentence is either: "If it's meant to be then it's meant to be, if it's not, then what to do...", or, "I gave up already lah. Malas wanna think about it anymore..."


If you answer "Yes" to any of the questions above, then it is my utmost pleasure to inform you that you have definitely gone way past the expiration date and it is only time before you're being removed from the shelf permanently. Better be ready for the inevitable, folks.


**Pardon my cuckoo-ness. I think I'm just worn out. Better go lie down now. Tootles**

Purpose Driven Marriage

She has it all planned...

THE 84 YEAR-OLD BRIDE

The local news station was interviewing an 84 year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be married again at 84, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now, in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

"Easy son," she smiled.

"I married one for the money...two for the show...three to get ready...and four to go!"



If only it's as simple as that, heheh... ^_^

Divorce Letters...from both parties

This was a good one ^_^


Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers later that night.
You came home, nibbled at your food for two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.
You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything.
Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me.
Whichever is the case.....I'm gone.

Signed,
Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your sister and I are moving away to West Virginia together. Have a great life!

----------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear Ex-Husband:

Nothing has made my day more enjoyable than receiving your letter.
It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a 'good man' is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. It's just too bad it doesn't work.
Yes, I did notice when you got a hair cut last week,,,and actually the first thing that came to my mind was "You look just like a girl"... but my mother raised me not to say anything at all if you can't say anything nice.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was just a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from
me that morning and your silk boxers were $49.99...
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.
So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for twenty million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Hawaii. But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you've always wanted.
My lawyer said with the letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed:
Rich As Hell and Freeeeeeeeeeee!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but my sister 'Carla'.....was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem for you.


HAHAHAHAHAHA.....PADAN MUKA!!!

The Language of Women

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

40-ish ....................................................49
Adventurous ........................................Slept with all your friends
Athletic .................................................No boobs
Average looking ...................................Ugly
Beautiful ...............................................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile .................................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure .............................On medication
Feminist ...............................................Fat
Free spirit ............................................Junkie
Friendship first ...................................Former slut
Fun .......................................................Annoying
Gentle ..................................................Dull
New Age ..............................................Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded .....................................Desperate
Outgoing ..............................................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate ...........................................Sloppy drunk
Poet ......................................................Depressive
Professional .........................................Bitch
Romantic .............................................Frigid
Voluptuous ..........................................Very Fat
Large frame ........................................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate ................................Stalker
Widow ..................................................Murderer



WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?



MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay


And finally.....

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle. For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features. However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside...


hahahahaha.....no wonder they say women are complex beings!! ROFL

Jokes Of The Day

In the Biology exam paper, the teacher asks the students to draw a female reproductive organ.

One girl looks shy, blushes and looks down.....


A guy shouts, "Sir, she's copying!!"


*******************************


WIFE: Honey, the doctor said I have a cute vagina!

HUSBAND to DOC: How dare you!! You're a heart doctor, how did you know my wife has a cute vagina?

DOC: Huh? I said she has ACUTE ANGINA!



LOL!