Back in the sack

HOLAAAAAAA

Yup, am still alive and kicking. Been bitten by the lazy bug, that's all. A lot has happened since my last post, but 'nuff to say that nothing much has changed though. Home is where I am now and whilst almost all my boxes have arrived safely I fear that a teeny weeny part of was left behind in that God-forsaken place. Like the last i thing I need is to mourn my freedom there. Great, that's just fine and dandy...

Am currently absconded in a small town off the beaten track somewhere up north. The town is so small that everybody knows everybody, and I mean EVERYBODY knew about EVERYTHING no matter how trivial it is. And boy, news do travel fast here. The telegraph has nothing against the gossip mongers. Don't get me wrong though; I love small towns. People are generally friendly and generous and less frigid, but when you feel that your life is like being under a microscope that's when you wish you were somewhere else. In a good way, at least it prevents from any wrongdoings, but in a bad way you can't help but fearing that if you sneeze then word will immediately get around you have the mono, sigh..

My social life is practically DOA. Oh there are/were attempts at matchmaking by concerned parties (friends,, family, mom's friends), but so far it's pathetic as ever. Except for one I supposed, we're only at the stages of getting to know each other but lo and behold, that person is gonna be moving to the east coast for work. Soon. For good. Just when am ready to give it a go God has other plans for me it suppose. Maybe it's a sign for me to just forget this whole stuff of being a pair. Yeah I know, God hates those that give up; human are created pairs; being married completes you, yada yada yada... Well of course I believe everything that they say about the subject matter, but maybe it ain't for me. You know how some people can't dance; teach. And some people can't wed; plan. Enough lah, tired redi. Might as well I focus on my career.

And speaking of work, I am absolutely loving it. I realize that there are still a lot that I need to know about but everyday I learn something new and priceless. My hope and wish that one day I would be able to pursue my dream to specialize, but as for now I am content..

1000 Oceans

The silence is deafening.

Sigh, it is what it is.

C'est la vie...

These tears I've cried.
I've cried a thousand oceans.
And if it seems I'm floating in the darkness
Well, I can't believe that I would keep,
Keep you from flying;
And I would cry a thousand more
If that's what it takes to sail you home,
Sail you home.
Sail you home.

I'm aware what the rules are.
But you know that I will run.
You know that I will follow you
Over Silbury Hill,
Through the solar field.
You know that I will follow you.

And if I find you
Will you still remember playing at trains,
Or does this little blue ball just fade away?

Over Silbury Hill,
Through the solar field,
You know that I will follow you.
I'm aware what the rules are,
But you know that I will run.
You know that I will follow you.

These tears I've cried.
I've cried a thousand oceans.
And if it seems I'm floating in the darkness
Well, I can't believe that I would keep,
Keep you from flying.
So I will cry a thousand more
If that's what it takes to sail you home,
Sail you home,
Sail you home.

-Tori Amos-

D.P.R.S.S.N.

I'm in a downward spiral, falling and falling, and couldn't seem to stop.

Seems that it is true what they say; absence makes the heart grow fonder.

And in this case, absence makes one feel sane and complete.

I need to get out. NOW.

Else I'll be back where I was before. No way. No friggin' way.

This has got to stop!

ASTAGHFIRULLAHALAZIM......

Date Night

What do you think about going on a blind date with your mom and the matchmakers in tow?

Awkward?

Yeah you bet.

Last night was a first for me. It was actually kinda funny if it wasn't darn uncomfortable. Being match-made and meeting the person for the first time is one thing; being match-made to someone that I would have never dreamed of ever viewing as a potential date is another.

What would a guy who has everything going on with royalty decorations from two states would wanna do with a simple gal like me??

Felt so awkward and tongue-tied that I ended up being quiet throughout the whole dinner. Thank the stars for mom, she sure has the knack to cover embarrassing situations.

A glance or two, and maybe a line or two of polite conversation. That's it. Nothing more.

No matter if the matchmakers feel that we could hit it off, wouldn't put too high hopes on the outcome. Could feel it in my bones; it's just not meant to be.

Sigh, poor mommy. She'll be disappointed...

A Melancholic Pre-Eid Moment

Still here. Still trying to tie up lose ends. Still in the process of packing up 6 years worth of memories before heading home for good.

Ramadhan is almost over now. The closer it is to Eid, the more I'm dreading it. Seriously. No mood at all to celebrate Eid this year. Maybe it's the weather; maybe I'm too busy trying to translate and study for the license exam and prepare for the thesis presentation; or maybe I'm just sick and tired of this place and had enough. I'm spiraling downwards and feel like there's no end to the abyss. No matter how hard I try to stay positive and upbeat, there's always, ALWAYS one thing after another that would pull me in the opposite direction. Surrounded by whiny people ain't helping either. I mean, yeah okay, we all have problems. But if you focus on the problem then you will see a problem. Instead, isn't it better to focus on what could be done to solve the problem and move on instead of complaining and complaining and complaining non-stop until your ears bleed to death listening to them repeatedly?? Urghhhhh, such a bad bad energy this place has, thank God I'm leaving soon.

I miss my adult friends; I miss having conversations that make sense; I miss the company that I'm comfortable with. No matter how hard I try to make it right, in the end the only thing that they see are the things that I did wrong. One misplaced word or sentence, one email in formal English (maybe they are not used to an email that does not use any sms lingo or maybe big words confuse them) that was kindly meant but was misinterpreted; was enough to elicit an outcry from orang-orang yang termakan cili & terasa pedasnya. I have tried to be amicable and fair and tried to do something good for all of us but it backfired. I give up. I'm done. Lantak lah korang lepas ni, apa nak jadik aku dah tak kisah. Biarkan si Luncai terjun dengan labu-labunya, malas dah nak layan...

And plus, had a recent conversation with mom that went like this...

Me: Tahun ni banyak ke buat kuih raya?
Mak: Alah, kuih tunjuk2 je. Takde masa nak buat la. Ada dekat 20++ jenis rasanya, cukuplah tu..
Me: Hah banyaknya! Nape tak pos kat sini sikit? *dgn nada gurau*
Mak: Eh, ha ah ek, LUPA pulak anak mak sorang tu raya kat sana tahun ni! Memang TAK TERINGAT LANGSUNG lah yang. Sori..
Me: *aduih, sampai hati..*


Yeah, I know I am forgettable, haha...

The 100th Post on New Year's Eve

Marking the new year, I realized that this is the 100th post for this blog. Whooopie!!

The arrival of 2010 was celebrated in a very quiet manner, just dinner and hanging out with close friends. Heard the fireworks outside but it was too foggy to see anything and plus it was too cold to go out anyways. So we opted to welcome the new year at my place.

I have stopped making any new year's resolutions since, ermmm forever I think, but surprisingly this year it was as if something clicked in my brain and unconsciously I began to promise myself to try doing things that I've been wanting to do and to look forward to the future instead of keep looking back at the past. It was nothing specific actually, just little little things that I know I need to change/accomplish in my life so that it would be improved for the better. Well, the aim here is to TRY, we'll see how well that'll go shall we...

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2010!!

p/s: I've finally managed to sort out all my friend's request on FB that I've been neglecting because I really dunno where they all came from. Aduhai, kelakar la pulak bila ada budak baru lepas spm antar msg nak berkenalan hanya selepas tgk gambar profile tu. Dik oii, gi sambung belajor dulu lah ya...

Tick Tock

Babies make me cry nowadays.

I thought I've already passed this phase.

Huh, guess not.

It's ticking again, sigh.

Tick tock.

The Psychic Connection

Have you ever had someone calling you just when you were thinking about that person? Or people coming to see you because they suddenly felt like it when at the same time you just thought that you wanted to see them too?

How about the bad vibes; the ones where your whole being just tingles and you know deep inside that something is just gonna go wrong or something has gone wrong?

I don't know what all these feelings are and I can't really explain them, but I've been having them almost all my life. Some of the time I just disregard them because they made no sense at all, but most of the time they are right on. Confused? Yeah well I am too...

Just recently had an unexpected call from a long lost friend. Lately I've been wondering about how that person was doing and if there are any new developments in his life when BOOM! Suddenly today I got a call from him out of nowhere... And this had happened to me more times than I could remember. Not with the same person, but with other friends and family too.

But the one thing that I never want to experience again was when my father passed away. I don't know how or why, but the truth is deep in my heart I knew exactly when it happened. The dread and heaviness and emptiness inside me just got worse and the bad feeling just would not go away that up to a point I even told my friend that I knew something bad had happened and I think he's dead. Spooky? Heck yeah. There was also this one time when I was very young, my grand-aunt told me how I couldn't stop crying like as if I was spooked (macam kena sampuk she said) and at that same moment my mom was actually involved in a car accident somewhere else. Crazy huh..

And don't get me started on my dreams. As weird as they are, some actually did come true. And deja-vu? Well, it's getting worse nowadays because they are getting more and more frequent.

Is this normal? I'm sure a lot of people experienced these before. It's not a biggie, right??

I don't know, maybe these are all just coincidences. Maybe my connection with people close to me are strong. Maybe. Or maybe, I am slowly and gradually losing control of reality and losing my mind...

But don't worry, no need to get me into the straight jacket yet. I am still sane. I think. At least for now.

BULAN BARU

I am not a Twilight-er and I haven't had the chance to read the books yet. The storyline is kinda interesting although I think I much prefer the DarkHunters because of the myths and legend background that are intertwined in the storyline (and they have Acheron!).. Nonetheless I was looking forward to this film interpretation of the sequel to Twilight.

I know a lot of you guys out there are Edward's fans, but if I were Bella I think I'd have chosen Jacob over him. True, vampires are considered cool, but the wolves are waaaaay cooler (as are the WereHunters). I wish I could have one as a pet, hehe..

Edward is as Edward was. Still pale and freakishly good looking, and most of the times emotionless (but hey, he's a vampire right). Tapi yg nak carik nahas sebab nak mati kalau si Bella tu mati apa ke hal nya, hisy... I could never get the idea of off-ing yourself for the sake of love. I think that's why the Bard's Romeo & Juliet tale just doesn't make sense to me. Well, maybe I'm the one that's weird, hmmm...

I tried to give Bella a chance to redeem herself but, nope sorry, still can't say that I empathize with her. I've never liked damsels in distress and brainless careless hopeless damsels are much worse. Just like Sookie (of True Blood), she irritates the heck out of me. Sampaikan satu tahap tu heran gak apa lah si Edward & Jacob see in her, tak paham betul..

Jacob..well, gotta say he's changed. A lot. Thank goodness. Not through so many words he had managed to show his unrequited love for Bella through his actions and I really feel for him. Cian dia.. And dia sangat comel ok, I got distracted from the story because I was concentrating on his facial structure. Sigh...

All in all, the movie was ok. Although not a fan I really enjoyed it. Oh, and it did help that the wolves were smokin' hot... :))

p/s: Bila la diorang nak buat movie pasal DH pulak ni???

What Career Suits Your Personality Type?

And your result is...

INTP - The Thinker

You have a special ability to generate and analyze theories and possibilities to prove or disprove them. Your insight and creative thinking allows you to quickly understand complex abstract ideas. You also have excellent logical and rational reasoning skills which assist you in your drive to seek clarity in all areas. You will be happiest in careers that allow you a great deal of independence and autonomy where you focus on theory rather than practical applications.


Some of your personality traits include:

* Love theory and abstract ideas
* Truth Seekers - you want to understand things by analyzing underlying principles and structures
* Value knowledge and competence above all else
* Have very high standards for performance, which you apply to yourself
* Independent and original, possibly eccentric
* Work best alone, and value autonomy
* Have no desire to lead or follow
* Dislike mundane detail
* Not particularly interested in the practical application of your work
* Creative and insightful
* Future-oriented
* Usually brilliant and ingenious
* Trust your own insights and opinions above others
* Live primarily inside your own mind, and may appear to be detached and uninvolved with other people


Some of your suggested careers are:

* Scientist - especially Physics, Chemistry
* Photographer
* Strategic Planner
* Mathematician
* University Professor
* Computer Programmer, Systems Analyst, Computer Animation and Computer Specialist
* Technical Writer
* Engineer
* Lawyers / Attorney
* Judge
* Forensic Research
* Forestry and Park Rangers (like seriously???)

Kuda Hitam

Malam tadi mimpi pasal Kuda Hitam ngan kumpulan musik masa skolah dulu2. Lama dah tak mimpi pasal depa, apahal ntah tiba2 je malam tadi depa muncul. Pelik pulak tu mimpi dia, hisy...

Dulu2 selalu gak mimpi pasal hal2 berkaitan ngan zaman persekolahan. Mungkin rindu nak balik balik zaman muda dulu kot, when we were young and (sort of) free. Memang dah lama tak mimpi lagi dah macam tu, except for malam tadi lah. Rindukan situasi nya ke orang nya? Hahaha, oh tidakkkkk...

Tapi kan, sejak dua menjak ni asyik dok mimpi pelik2 je. Ada tu macam citer drama pulak, siap terjaga tengah malam sebab menangis tersak-esak. Entah hape-hape entah, sabor je lah. Banyak sangat asid dalam badan ni kot, hmmmmmmmmm

I Miss.....

Our daily conversations.

The banter.

The flawless English.

The easy flowing topics & ideas.

The sense of humour & sarcasm.

The acceptance & feeling comfortable in my own skin. Even though we've only just met.


Sigh.....wonder which rock he's been hiding under.....or maybe he's migrated to Mars.

Takde nya nak feeling-feeling ni, kawan je pun. Itu pun takleh ke??
Tak faham betul lah, isy....

Google Schmoogle

I just realized (duh!) that remaining anon about oneself nowadays is impossible, thanks to Mr.GooGle and Ms.EfBee. Armed with only your name (not even your surname) and which school you go to and which year you graduated is enough to gain some quite vital information about yourself. And if you do a thorough search, you can even find photos of yourself all over the web!

Oh dem oh dem oh dem... too convenient for my taste, isk....


p/s: Thanks Mr.ZSS, thanks a lot. Now you're making me more paranoid, as if I wasn't enough already :(

Happiness=Love ?

Not necessarily I'm told.

Am I delusional? Maybe I am.

Huh, apa lah nak jadik dgn ko ni eve oiii.
Dah, bangun. Byk lagi keja ko nak buat weh.
Cukup-cukup ler tu...

Ooooopsssss I Did It Again!

OH MAN!! I did it again! I vowed never again but it still had happened. Darn it heart! I told you not to!! But luckily I still have my wits about me this time, luckily I know what I need to do now.

So I have stopped. Feeling, hoping, wondering, wanting. Everything. I've got to. No way this is going anywhere. No way I'm gonna do anything about it eventhough I know it's mutual. Just NO FRIGGIN' WAY. Enough. No more.

Principles and rules are there for a reason. To prevent complications, deviations & destruction. And so I am sticking with mine, no matter if it would cost me. I still have tons of stuff to do and a long way still before I would achieve my goals.

Too young, Too married, Too gay.

Sigh, so what's the point? I give up.

Home is where the heart is

Since I've been home, this is the only time that I actually have time to surf the net leisurely; before this it always in a rush and on the go. Yeah, that busy I was, but no complaints though, I am treasuring every second of my time here. A lotta lotta things have happened, and they all happened so suddenly time flew so fast that I didn't realise that I'm almost home for 2++ weeks now.

What I've been up to? Well, the usual; attending trainings, weddings, family gatherings, outings with old friends, meeting and making new friends, chauffeur-ing, nanny-ing, etc etc... my time hasn't been my own since I've been back. And I am predicting after this things are gonna be more hectic and crazier.

On top of that, I am falling sick! The worn out body and humid hot dusty weather combo is disasterous I tell ya. My cough has been getting worse and I've lost my voice courtesy of severe chesty hacking night and day. Plus runny nose plus slight fever. Am currently medicating myself and hoping that it'll all go away soon.... Sigh, what I wouldn't give for a couple of days of rest doing absolutely anything..... :(

There are still a couple of things that I wanted to do that i haven't got around to doing. See lah how it goes, hopefully I'll have time before I leave.

Oh did I mention that my beloved cousin got married? Yeah, the cousin whom I am really close to since we were small is now somebody's wife, finally. i am really really happy for her, seeing her happy makes me happy too. I think the wedding deserves its own post, so I better save all the juicy details for next time ok.

Last week there was also another surprising news from a beloved friend. It was really unexpected, but seeing her happy and glowing makes me happy too. And I am still waiting for some news from a faraway friend, but I sincerely hope that it'll be a good one. All of these ladies are very dear to me, and they deserve the best that life has to offer in terms of love and it's enough that I share their joy and wish them all the happiness in the world.

As for me, even though I've been getting quite a lotta inquiries about my bachelorhood these past few days, it didn't bother me as much as I would have expected. Maybe I'm already immune to it although I've run out of plausible excuses, or maybe I've come to a point in my life where I just done care anymore about whether or not marriage will be in my future. For now I have one thing and one thing only to focus on; finish up my studies, sit for the entrance exam, practice my skills, specialize and stand on my two feet up to a level that I could support my family if it's warranted. Ultimately that's what I want, and that's what i am going to focus on. No point sitting around moping about the state of bachelorhood, it is better to channel all the energy towards something more productive, yes?

Oh, and if before this I get irritated when others try to be matchmakers, nowadays I am merely amused when my mom or aunts or mom's friends try their luck. Sukahati lah belalang, asalkan diorang bahagia... ;p

NB: Tempting nya bila tgk Deghoyan, Sape nak belanja makan sushi ni???

@%$#%?!!

Angry, sad, disappointed, choked up, insanely worried, irritated, disgusted, feels like bashing some peoples' heads against the wall...

With all of these emotions running through yours truly it's no wonder the throat is sore from pent-up and suppressed anger+sadness.

It's nothing unexpected actually. Being betrayed and getting screwed by selfish bastards and assholes should just be another day in my life since I'm surrounded by a bunch of idiots save for a (very) few good souls. But I don't seem to have the ability to not care enough about their selfishness. Seriously, I really don't care what they wanna do with their lives & their money, but when their action affected and caused us by-the-book & studying ones major problems for the exam, that's where I draw the line.

And as for these superficial, shallow, friends-with-benefits type of relationships? I HATE THEM. You're either a friend or you're not. And no true FRIEND would ever just use and come running to you only when they needed something from you. Calling only when no one else could put up with your childish crap? Acknowledging my existence only when you need my notes?? Well, you know what; take your shitty attitude elsewhere and leave me alone. I have no time for selfish bimbos and bastards. But if you still insist on doing what you are doing, then be prepared to face my wrath. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.


NB: Fuhhhh!! That was a relief. Retail therapy helped a bit, but venting helped more. It's unlikely that you idiots will read this, but if you do then too bad. For you. Like I care anymore. Hah.

Affair of the Day

Found this out of boredom and I just couldn't resist posting it here...

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One cent?" the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel??" exclaimed the man.

"Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down
here."

:))

In "Crush"ed Mode

Sigh, yeah I guess I am. Again. Crushed by a crush... ^_^

It's been a very long time since I've had any crush-es. This time I was quite the slow to realize it, but it suddenly became apparent to me when I was looking forward to go to class each morning. I am sooo not a morning person, but for the past few weeks morning rounds have never been more interesting, ngeee...

But before you say anything Ms.Snuze, nope, I am definitely NOT in love. Maybe never again. This is just a minor fleeting "crush" of a feeling. Just something to keep me going day to day. My Energizer batteries, so to speak.

Why him? Well, definitely the brains factor. And plus, Nerdy+Gym buff=Agak2 hawt la jugak, HAHA...

But, all good things must come to an end. No more rounds with him anymore, bummer. Although, he did make our last encounter a memorable one for me... *grinning like an idiot*

Sah. I got an itch that can't be scratched. Heheh.

n.b. There are rumors saying that he's batting for the other team. Sigh, just my luck... :(

Furious Fingers

Guess what?

44 words

Typingtest

Yeah I know, I'm a slow typer (got ah such a word??)

Mana nak tengok skrin lagi, keyboard lagi...check spelling lagi..... huhu.....

New resolution: To learn to type as fast as I could!!